The wedding night has arrived and is ushered in by an ominous reminder from pastor Roberson that although these couples just met and don’t know a lot about each other, ”they are husband and wife. Legally. Married.”. Dun, dun, duuuuuun.”
Tension builds as we, along with Nick’s friends, make bets on who will consummate that legal marriage, and who won’t.
Rachel advises the couples to approach the night with an “optimistic point of view.” And we hear a lot of optimistic comments from the couples, like Tom “Seeing her sexy lips grab the strawberry and tear into it – kind of a turn on”
One thing that isn’t a turn on is Sonia’s (who’s looking super cute in her retro PJ’s) subtle jabs to Nick’s masculinity. First she fears that he’s too scrawny to carry her over the threshold. Then later she describes him “definitely a little metro,” with “girly ways” after hearing that he is the “best ironer alive.” (which makes him a keeper to every woman alive)
Heather is the only one doesn’t leave us in suspense, telling us flat out that she has “No intentions of having sex”. Later she clarifies that she eventually does want to be intimate but is conscience of “not making this feel like a hookup.” OK, we can respect that.
Sonia is hit with the realization that what’s really weird about this whole situation is not being in a hotel room with a stranger (let’s remember that one-night-stands happen), but the fact that there’s a camera man document her wedding night.
But because she can’t admit that on camera, she takes a self deprecating approach. “I’m terrible at this”, to which Nick replies “you’re perfect”. So sweet and subtle, just like his “I love her” from the previous episode.
We Nick’s friends wait impatiently as we get the token shot of the Do Not Disturb sign as the hotel room door closes, then we skip ahead to the morning-after diary cam. Everyone is lovey dovey, snuggling and kissing in bed. OK, except Derek and Heather. They are not snuggling, they are discussing their favorite vegetables. (and mom’s across America argue that corn doesn’t count as a vegetable, it’s a starch).
But it’s just a tease as one-by-one they reveal that all three couples had a chaste night. Maybe that’s a good sign, as only one MAFS couple has (confessed to) DTD on the wedding night and they didn’t stay together.
Tom is a fount of imagery and after saying that meeting Lily was like “sparks and lightning bolts.” It’s hard to believe their wedding night was so uneventful. He addresses that by confirming that he’s really excited to make it happen. And “not just because I’m horny.” He’s happy to wait for the moment that’s going to be “like a champagne bottle and explode.”
Once diary cam duty is completed, the couples get to find out where they are honeymooning. Nick will get his first passport stamp in the Dominican while flight-attendant Heather being all “yawn”, off to Puerto Rico again.
Heather should be thankful that Derek’s not headed to Jamaica (more on that later) like Tom and Lily, and that because the show is doing well enough to earn a little product placement this season, she don’t have to honeymoon in Phoenix in June. (yes, that really happened in season 3, and that couple never recovered).
The Season 4 couples get off easy at the post wedding family brunch, it seems that expert Rachel has briefed the families that this is supposed to be a time of “encouragement and support.” Not just a time to joke about what did or didn’t happen the night before (which we’ve seen in previous season). The families follow their marching orders, as Lily (rocking her beautiful new necklace from Tom) tells us that she hasn’t heard negative things from anyone.
Expert Rachel checks in before departure and encourages the couples to spend their honeymoon “making memories.” But Tom tells us that he plans to take a break from his champagne dreams for some serious talk. He has to prepare Lily for the reality that he lives in a bus.
Previews hint that maybe he doesn’t get around to this… but he at least starts dropping hints, getting her to swear that she could “live anywhere.” Anywhere, really? Like one of those “Tiny houses” anywhere? So, Tom is satisfied that he’s sufficiently prepped Lily and she is sufficiently not “high maintenance.” But Pastor Roberson doesn’t let him off the hook.
“One of the red flags for Tom,” says Roberson, “and I don’t want to throw him under the bus… but he lives in one.” Har har.
But then he continues on to point out that “It’s important that he tells Lillian because after the honeymoon… they’re going there.” Good point.
Fortunately, Tom has more tricks up his sleeve. “My thing is that I’d much rather eat some food before talking about issues. Because when you’re hungry nothing good happens. Brilliant. This is the kind of quote that should be on a motivation calendar.
Rachel also has some seriously great relationship wisdom “vulnerability is important for this process… being willing to show the sides of you that you might not think someone would fall in love with but the probably would.” As Sonia’s teary reaction tells us, that can be so hard, to believe that someone out there could not only put up with, but actually love things about us that we consider flaws.
Soon though, Sonia and Nick have jetted off on their honeymoon and are bonding over corny jokes (S: “It’s kinda hot”. N: “or I’m kinda hot?”) and solidifying their soulmate status based on a mutual dislike of mustard.
Derek and Heather start out joking about which super power they would choose. Oh wait, even that is serious because Heather has “thought about this multiple times. Because it’s a big deal.” She would speak every language (OK, that’s actually a really good one).
But what is an actual big deal is the major anxiety Heather is getting as she gets to know more about Derek beyond his kind, laid back façade (or maybe the reason he is so good natured). “Derek smoked right before dinner. If I was going out with a guy and he’d been smoking, no way I’d go out with him again.” This isn’t Derek’s only vice, he also likes to drink and gamble. “I don’t want to be judgmental,” says Heather. “I want to give Derek chance to be himself. I want to make sure I don’t start getting pissy about little things.” Eat some food, Heather, eat some food.
Before anyone goes crying foul that Heather shouldn’t have been matched with a smoker, Dr. Pepper jumps in to defend the team. “During the process, Heather said she didn’t mind if someone smoked occasionally and of course we respected that. The point of this experiment is to start with commitment. Stop looking for flaws and start looking for why they were matched.”
Unfortunately some more digging reveals smoking to be Derek’s daily habit, and a quick visit to dictionary.com declares Heather to be the winner in this semantics debate. Occasionally is defined as “irregulary”, so she is correct in that something done every day would not be considered occasionally.
So this may be a SPOILER ALERT ….. but a tweet from Heather indicated that maybe it’s not just cigarettes that Derek is smoking? And that it’s enough of a problem to break their deal/vows? Hopefully not!
Substance abuse issues #realtalk